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I like me, but I’d like to change this about me

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I like me, but I’d like to change this about me As the title states, I like who I am, but there are a few things that I would like to change about myself. For example, I really like how compassionate and kind I can be, although I usually let people walk all over me and use me to their advantage for the fear of not having any friends. I’m now working on that in the sense that I’m trying to put myself in positions where I can stand up for myself. For example, I’m going to go to the student access office because a guy there suggested that I change my degree because the one I current have a degree plan for is math intensive. I’m not very good at math honestly. I feel like he is dumbing me down because the one he picked has less math. What if I want to pursue that degree because of the challenges it will bring, I strive on challenges.

So what if it is math intensive, just because I’m not good at math does not mean that I cannot do it. After I tell him that I will feel so much better and I wouldn’t have let him push me around or give me an “easier” path to take. I also like the fact that I don’t judge people, because so many people in this lifetime are constantly judging one another, although I do tend to not like some things about people. An example of that is I absolutely do not like people that cuss, it shows a low intelligence as well, not always though, but they are filler words, I mean you can insult someone without using them if you had an extensive vocabulary and got creative with the words you are using. I like the fact that I am intelligent, but I do not like that I can’t get my thoughts out verbally. I portray my intelligence through writing. I have a hard time talking about my feelings and my thoughts out verbally. That is something I would like to change about myself.

I would assume I will be a better person for describing myself verbally and people wouldn’t look at me all weirdly like they tend to do now, I sometimes freeze up and get tongue tied when I’m talking to someone in person. People describe me as having a humongous heart. I see some negative to that, I get used a lot because I’m so willing to do anything for people. I need to start saying no to people and not let them manipulate me into things that I don’t really want to do. All throughout growing up and sometimes even now I would just let people push me around and insult me and everything else, and I didn’t have the guts like I do now to stick up for myself. I still have problems doing that now, I’ll ask myself, “Well what if I hurt their feelings?” In reality, it is my feelings that they are hurting, not theirs. I absolutely love animals and I rescue hurt turtles off of the side of the road sometimes and I love that about myself, because my dad hates animals. As of right now in my life I feel like things can be changed still. I sometimes think life is horrible and that nothing good will happen, that is negativity and I don’t need to even be thinking of that.

As I look back at my whole life I think of all the stuff I could have told my younger self. I could have saved myself from a lot of the obstacles that I faced, though if I did I would not be the person who I am today. If I could go back and change any of the experiences I’ve been in I would not because again like I said, I would not be the person that I am today. I’m proud of what I’ve overcome in my life and the challenges that I went through. As humans, everyone will go through challenges and things that they wish they could change, but some of those things are in fact molding them into the person that they are meant to be. When I was a child all I ever wanted to be was “normal”, but if you think about it, what is normal? Normal is over rated honestly.

I didn’t want to have high functioning autism anymore, I wanted to be like the other kids and have people like me and not be different and be weird, but as I grew up, I loved being “different.” I love being able to look at things in a different perspective than a lot of people. I love the way I perceive things. My mind is brilliant at certain things and I love that. I do not want to slightly change who I am for one minute. As humans, we all have something “different” about us, and mine just happens to be high functioning autism. Its ok to be different people just need to learn to embrace it and not hinder from it or be ashamed of it. So, yes I would change some of the decisions I have made but not the experiences that I have been through.

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