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Air guitars are similar in shape to normal guitars, with the notable difference that they are made entirely out of air. Air guitars typically have 6 strings and 24 frets. Although acoustic air guitars are available, electric air guitars are by far the most popular. Occasionally though, I enjoy strumming on a nice piece of coconut lens tape, just for laughs.

It is understood that the first performance involving an Air Guitar was at a live open-air concert held in a field just outside of Sherwood Forest, England in the early 1400s where the well known Lute player Allan O’The Dell performed a duet with his Lute and a famous Court Jester (Robin The Gnarled) who appeared sporting a radical new design of Lute he had crafted from air. Their live performance of Greensleeves remains a classic to this day.

Air Guitars have evolved beyond recognition and the latest models are self-tuning and contain on-board, complex amplifier emulators to enable them to sound like any available amplifier thereby reducing pre-performance setting up times. The legendary Rebecca Nichols is arguably the greatest Air Guitar player to have lived and her untimely passing at the age of 32 of a heart attack brought on by over-exertion during an awesome performance of the Ritchie Blackmore guitar solo in Kraftwerk’s Trans Europe Express in the late 1970’s shocked the Rock nation.

The current under 18 champ is Master Philip Low of Winchester. He is said to have been discovered at the tender age of 12 by an Air Guitar scout whilst wowing fellow pupils at his school with a sparkling air rendition of Norah Jone’s “Come Away With Me”. His current whereabouts are unknown, but he is supposed to have been captured by the evil owner of Fender, Adam Wammi. He has also won numerous awards for his skill at the electric guitar and for penis length (100″). Uses of the air guitar vary as to a) what music is intended to be played on it, and b) the audience which it is being played in front of.

If, for example, the guitar is alone with its owner and if, for example, songs such as Paradise City by Guns ‘n’ Roses or I Believe In A Thing Called Love by The Darkness are played – or anything by Queen, for that matter – then the air guitar comes to the fore. Without an audience, the guitarist can show off to his heart’s content, and is warped to that brightly-lit stage in his mind, transported by wild animal passions laid down in our genetics by our ancestors [for more information on cro-magnon air guitars, or “Ugg”s, see Oscar Wilde’s “The Day I Realised I Left My Nostril In Mongolia”].

If, however, the subject is at some sort of celebration or party, and The Corrs or any sort of ‘pop-attempting-to-feebly-imitate-rock music’ is played, the guitar automatically enters standby mode, usually too embarrassed by the atrocity being played or anger at the possibility that it could be used to such an extent. [N. B. : The intoxication of the guitarist due to an alcoholic beverage of some sort renders the above sentence null and void. Come on, we’ve all been there. You know what I’m talking about. Yes, you. Well, maybe not you, but you, certainly. I’ve got photos, dude.

I’ll post them on here. Seriously. Don’t deny it. ]. The first thing you have to do before playing an air guitar is to ensure it is in tune. This can be done with an electric tuner or a tuning spork. It is important to tune your air guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it. Note that within the first week or so of restringing the guitar, it will tend to dramatically lose its tuning if you breathe on it slightly, especially with a lighter gauge. The next step is to plug it in to its amp.

You can use a regular guitar amp, or a special air guitar amp. Put the strap behind your head and right shoulder, and the neck in your left hand. Be careful not to bring the air guitar too close to your face, as accidental inhalation severely shortens its longevity. Also take care with the amp: just because it’s made of air DOES NOT mean that you cannot sustain critical injuries! Many a rock god has been on the receiving end of several hundred volts of air. Caution is advised – it is a piece of electrical equipment, after all. Finally, you are ready to play.

Pretend that you know exactly what you are doing and it will sound great, as long as you try to kiss your ear regularly and sometimes lie down and kick yourself around on the ground in a small circle. Spandex pants, long greasy hair and a general love for making a fool of yourself in front of a mirror is ideal. Singing high-pitched and yet quietly to yourself along to the music is generally preferred by many professionals. Due to the rapid increasing number of air guitars, a new problem arises. Many newer models contain diluted chemicals and toxic gasses.

For this reason, vintage air guitars, that were constructed when cleaner air was available, have seen an incredible jump in market value as of late. Without proper waste management involving air guitars, or their parts, all breathable air will be polluted. Scientists believe that if nothing is done to prevent this air guitars will lead to the destruction of the earth. Solutions are sought in non toxic air guitars, and the reuse of older models. However people are still encouraged to rock on with air guitars, man’s most mystifying invention.

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