Critical reflection on an incident: Personal Development

This essay will focus on an incident that I have reflected on in my previous critical reflection. I shall use this as the basis for this essay and expand on and explore the issues that arise from the topics uncovered. During the break of a lecture on genograms, I was prompted to give input regarding a conversation that had arisen between two of my peers, upon hesitating I was quizzed by the one of them: “Why are you always so quiet . . . “. As soon as I heard this, I was reminded of my family, memories of my childhood were brought up and after getting out of the conversation I was immersed in this line of thought for the rest of lecture. I slipped into an all too familiar thought pattern that would sometimes lead to daydreaming, but on this occasion it lead to self-pity.

Although I often disregard such emotions as silly, as I find that it is all too easy for me too feel sorry for myself, they inevitably creep up on me and catch me off guard. This turned into a feeling of anxiety and realization of how my childhood has affected me. I thought about the way I had been brought up by my parents and what may have led to the way I am so reserved and quiet, particularly at times when my input is required, such as in class discussions. There are times when I do hold an opinion on an issue that is being discussed, but I will not say anything, one way or the other. I have often made a connection between my upbringing and my present communication problems, but never looked at why that connection is there, this is something I shall attempt to do within this essay. Something that I have done is to feel sad at the thought of how my childhood could have affected me so negatively having produced an adult who is often not comfortable when conversation regarding his past is brought up. I feel vulnerable and exposed when required to comment on matters such as why I am so quiet, to the extent that it would induce a slight mental block which would prevent me form partaking in further conversation.

My reaction, of going cold and quiet, appeared to stem from the period during which my parents divorced. During this time my childhood was turbulent and rows often dragged us into the middle of things. Most of the time I would just listen to the racket, this constant exposure to ‘destructive behaviour’ caused me to become somewhat introverted and withdrawn. The introverted child has difficulty approaching new people or situations, and is more apt to develop problems with anxiety (Miller 1987:79). This view might explain why I have problems communicating with people that are unfamiliar to me. I developed asthma during this time also which could have been anxiety related.

I felt I was losing a parent, my father, since he would be the one to leave, and this made me feel vulnerable. If a person in such a capacity goes missing from a child’s life, “that child will repress his/her emotions. She/he cannot even experience them secretly, but they will never the less stay in his/her body…stored up as information that can be triggered by a later event.” (Miller 1987:11). In my case the emotions were of vulnerability and anxiety surrounding my father’s departure, and the trigger of my peer’s question to me during the incident. This sort of trigger has always led to similar results in the past and triggers have come in many forms, not only questions about the way I am, about my childhood, reminders of ‘families’ and family life.

This incident also brought up negative feelings in me towards my parents for handling their relationship the way they did in front of me. I felt that they were wrong and I, along with my siblings, was the one that was suffering. These negative feelings developed from these childhood years onwards. I became hostile towards them, this may be have been a manifestation of the I’m OK – you’re not OK parent – child scenario. ( Harris 1995:47)

Childhood years are the formative years of life and mine where no exception. Despite my mothers’ best efforts, I feel, in hindsight, much of the gentle nurturing environment that is necessary for a child’s upbringing was missing. “For their development children need the respect and protection of adults who take them seriously, love them, and honestly help them become oriented in the world” (Miller 1987:281). I may have become introverted and developed the associated characteristics because I did not at the time receive this type of support.

The reasons for my actions could also be interpreted as low self-esteem. Tice makes the following generalisation of people with low self-esteem: “their first goal in most situations is to avoid failure, humiliation, rejection and other disasters. Well acquainted with and sensitive to the costs and pains of failure, they focus on protecting themselves against such distressing outcomes.” (Tice, Harter & Baumeister 1993:38) Although this generalisation is only partially relevant in reference to myself, it does go some way to explain why I shut down in such situations. The manner in which I communicate with others (or not, as the case appears to be) is often my unwitting effort to protect myself. My lack of communication and introversion is a self-protection mechanism that I have developed over the years. Although, this has manifested as introversion, I have not as yet thoroughly looked at the underlying issues.

For example, I have never been too confident with my physical appearance, shyness about the way I looked has often interfered with my verbal exchanges with others. In Harters’ “Revised model of the causes of low self-esteem” one of the key factors is, again “parent support” but other factors such as “peer support, physical appearance and scholastic competence” may also lie at the root of problem. (Tice, Harter & Baumeister 1993:102). As a child I was often ostracized at school, this together with my worries over how I looked and my ability to learn (I have been diagnosed as slightly dyslexic) could be the causes of my variable levels of self-esteem.

Sanford & Donovan define self-esteem as “A measure of how much we like or approve of our self image” (Sanford & Donovan 1984). I find that I go through phases of low and high self-esteem; I have never consistently been in approval of my self-image and found it hard to define myself. Baumeister notes this tendency towards erratic self-conceptions: “People with low self-esteem have self-conceptions that change and fluctuate from day to day. Their views about themselves may contain inconsistencies, and they simply have fewer definite beliefs about what they are like than other people have. In short, what they know about themselves tends to uncertain, incoherent and in flux.” (Tice, Harter & Baumeister 1993:203).

One way of dealing with this inability to interact may be to realise that it is an opening to learning and is only created by mutual input as well as mutual criticism. After all there is only benefit to be had from this sort of communication; we all have something that we can learn from each other. .

Maybe the question to ask is: what should I do to initiate a positive outlook and to begin to find solutions to these issues? I certainly don’t wish to continue in such a way where there is a constant battle between positivity and negativity, as this manifests itself in poor communication and confidence. It seems to me that maybe I should set more achievable goals for myself as I often expect more of myself than I can deliver. Harter writes “If one falls short of one’s ideas by being unsuccessful in domains where one aspires to be competent, low self-esteem will result.” (Tice, Harter & Baumeister 1993:203). This effect can sometimes be compounded at times of stress and pressure. During these times, I have found myself to have fewer positive thoughts about myself, asking myself “why can’t I be more like this or like that..” These are probably not very constructive thoughts, and I feel that I am too hard on myself when I think like this.

The importance of addressing these issues is an apparent skill required by an individual in order to come to terms with him or herself and practitioner, to be able to sincerely help their patient. One of the primary goals of the skilled helper is to ‘help the client manage their problems in living more effectively and develop unused or underused opportunities more fully.’ (Egan 1998:7).

If I am to be capable of achieving this primary objective with a client then it is desirable, even essential for me to acknowledge and attempt to overcome certain issues of mine.

Issues surrounding my family and the raw emotions that have erupted since my childhood need specific attention if I am to heal that part of my life and past. “One of the most basic reasons for practising forgiveness is that old stuff, old pains and wounds – no matter how far in the past – still feel fresh and create the same response in the body, mind and spirit when we hold onto those feelings.” (Thoele 2001:199).

Talking to my family has helped in the past, and perhaps this is an area that can be looked into even more, since it is ‘talking’ that I seem to have problems with. Forgiveness is a valuable tool in healing which enables one to come to terms with their experiences. Maybe the first step towards healing, forgiveness and indeed learning is to realise that during my childhood my mother and father, however deluded they may have been in thinking so, did put in their best efforts.

Millenson states that:

“Basic counselling skills are not difficult to acquire. Teaching people basic assertiveness … is an important skill that is easily taught. How to deal with resentment is fairly easy to learn; or how to deal with guilt. Just to be able to talk to somebody about one’s problems is a tremendous help. It leads one out of the sense of helplessness that is so devastating.” (Millenson 1995:133)

As a practitioner such issues may well come up in my patients’ lives. If I can be aware of my own issues and acknowledge them in myself, perhaps I can be prepared to help others in my chosen area of practice. Empathy will be a very useful skill, ‘it is extremely important as a skilled helper to get in touch with the world of the client. Empathy is the skill that enables the practitioner to communicate their understanding of that world.’

References-

Chess S., Thomas A. (1984) Origins and Evolution of Behavioural Disorders. Brunner/Mazel. New York.

Egan G. (1998) The Skilled Helper. Brooks/Cole Publishing Company. London.

Harris T. A. (1995) I’m OK-You’re OK. Arrow Books. U.K.

Millenson J. R. (1995) Mind Matters. Eastland Press. USA.

Miller A. (1987). The Drama of Being A Child. Virago Press. England.

Miller A. (1987). For Your Own Good. Virago Press. England.

Thoele S. P. (2001) The Courage to be Yourself. Conari Press. California.

Tice M. D, Harter S. & Baumeister R.F. (1993) Self Esteem. Phenium Press. New York.

Sanford L.T., Donovan M.E. (1984) Woman and Self Esteem. Penguin Books. London. Reference from handout in class.