The rule with any allergy restriction

It was about dusk and a cool breeze rustled through the almost barren trees. As my fingers fumbled with the key to the door I hear the dinging of a doorbell echo across the empty street. A man waited at the steps carrying a large, flat box; pizza. I needed pizza. But, I knew my weak deficient little stomach couldn’t handle the harshness of the cheese. I raced for the phone quickly dialing the number I knew by heart. I ordered the vegan topping cheese, this was my first mistake. Just as drool was about to spill out of my mouth, the familiar dong-dong ran though the walls. I popped the pizza into the glowing racks of the oven. As I glance over the circular heaven I see a field covered in grainy, off-colored, shreds of an experiment gone wrong. Expecting a mouthwatering goodness, I opened the oven to reveal a golden brown crust with what appears to be cardboard sprinkled on top. My soul gets lost in the deep depths of despair as I think; this uncooked cheese will never fill the empty void inside me.

Everyday people around the world have to deal with the truth that vegan or dairy-free cheese doesn’t melt. The cheese is a monstrosity and there is either something scientifically wrong with the recipe for this “cheese” or someone had an extremely horrific idea. If you were to google the definition of cheese, you may find something along the lines of: “Cheese is a food usually derived from milk. It’s produced in a wide range of flavors, textures, and forms by coagulation of the milk protein casein. The solids are separated and pressed into final form. Cheeses should melt at 131° F to 180° F.” Let’s just think about that for a second. That was a generous, straightforward definition but I want to draw attention to a specific part of that definition where it says “cheeses should melt.” Melt. Cheese should melt. End of story. Now, take a look at my shortened version of the definition of vegan cheese: “Vegan cheese is made from non-dairy ingredients. It is aimed at vegans and others wanting to avoid animal products, for moral, religious or health reasons, including lactose intolerance or a desire to avoid cholesterol.” Nowhere in that depressing definition does it say a few very vital facts. It neglects to mention how vegan cheese made, molded and at what temperature it melts (since it doesn’t.) This definition thankfully, has loads in common with vegan cheese. For one, there’s lots of gray area, and no specification about how they make the cheese or the process. Plus, both of them are trying to give excuses to exist.

You would think I was crazy if I told you that vegan cheese doesn’t melt but, there’s actually logic behind it. Casein is the main ingredient found in cheese, but all dairy products contain casein. Whether or not a cheese melts or stretches, depends upon the chemical makeup of the delicate, casein network within the cheese. Vegan cheeses and products however cannot contain casein as it is a milk protein. This causes vegan cheese to not melt. It’s simple; no casein equals no melting cheese. Many companies have attempted to recreate this protein to add that special, melting factor to cheese, but, the substitutes have an unappealing outcome which looks like jicama, feels like rubber, tastes like spongy Play Doh, but has the aftertaste of pencil erasers. Vegan Cheese, I still have hope for you that one day you will have a half decent taste. But, for now we still have all the failed attempts of removing Casein; Cringey, fake cheese, that doesn’t melt.

Alison Spiegel wrote an article about a vegan cheese tasting survey based on a group called Taste Test. For this survey, they tried seven varieties of vegan cheese “melted” on a piece of bread. One comment by a participant stated “This taste test was a little scaring. Why would anyone want to willingly eat this, this, thing?” That statement in itself should be self-explanatory about the results of the other participants. As one person was told to taste this Vegan American Cheese, his response was rather different than what he expected. He said, “I know American cheese is hardly cheese at all, so I expected this to be similar. But no, it falls apart in my mouth and leaves a terrible, artificial aftertaste. My mouth is exceptionally confused. Velveeta — but worse.” A few other participants responses as they tried a variety of “melted” vegan cheeses, were, “There’s an unpleasant graininess and an overwhelmingly vegan taste” or “Once you eat it you can never un-eat it making it almost impossible to swallow.” This statement closes stating that: Melted cheese—it’s the essential ingredient in nachos and pizza and the soul of a grilled cheese sandwich. Therefore, vegan cheese should be illegal to sell in a store.

Some people with exeptionaly corrupt tastebuds, might argue that vegan cheese tastes good “melted.” Or that they think its even better than real cheese that melts. But I mean, come on people, friends shouldn’t let friends eat vegan cheese. It’s not like vegan cheese is the rich, stringy, buttery cheese that melts in your mouth. No, vegan cheese is like the worst string cheese stick you’ve ever had in your life that sat in the hot trunk of a car in August for a week. Vegan cheese is a crime that no one should commit, and unfortunaley I found that out the hard way along with hundreds of others. I wouldn’t wish the everlasting experience of melted vegan cheese on anyone and wouldn’t waste my time on trying to find a decent subsitute. However if you’re addament about finding a vegan cheese substitutes that melts, set out on your quest and inform me of your findings.

The rule with any allergy restriction is not to view foods as substitutes and comparing them to the “real” thing. For example a veggie burger is nothing like a beef burger, but they both have the potential to be awesome. It’s when you compare the two that you run into trouble. Vegan food doesn’t have to be just like meat, it can be independent, and taste good on its own. This is the root problem with vegan cheese, it’s trying to be something made with dairy, and unfortunately that thing is extremely hard to imitate. I believe that if companies would stop trying to recreate vegan cheese and focus on trying to create something new altogether, we may find something that is actually palatable and doesn’t taste gelatinous, gummy, and grainy all at the same time. Companies may not be brave enough to seek out new options for a while, so, for now, vegan cheese, I won’t touch you with a ten foot pole for a long, long time.