Satirical Essay

One of the most widely used illegal drugs in America is Marijuana. Over 30% of Americans over the age of 13 have used this horrible drug and half of all youth under the age of 18 have smoked marijuana. Aside from the fact that smoking “a doobie” probably won’t cause painful (or painless, for that matter) death to its users, it is often the leading cause of a few high school dropouts, mild laziness, sleeping in school, partying, having fun, sleeping in beds at night, and acting completely normal and socially acceptable in their daily lives. It is sufficient to say that marijuana use among minors is very dangerous to America. I am proposing a solution to the problem of marijuana use. In order to stop someone from doing one thing, you must present them with another choice.

This other choice will be cost effective and beneficial to our society. This modest proposal is: free government handouts of tobacco products to minors. This new program, which is to be made mandatory under law in all fifty states, will quickly and absolutely solve our problems. A tobacco distribution stand will be built in front of the main entrance of every public school. Cigarettes will be handed out, free of charge, and no record will be taken of the consumer. Once someone under the age of eighteen spends a majority of their day smoking tobacco, they won’t have time to smoke “kush” anymore.