Regrets

Another year has passed, another day has ended; the days will come and go but still no answers are given. No pain is reduced. My heart is still in pieces. I often just lie here, wondering why. Why I can not reconcile with what has happened. Why you were taken from me and why I was never given a reason for your absence. I would have rather it had been me than you. I had destroyed my life. You had years of life to lead. You were young and free! We had always been getting up to mischief when we were younger; we were like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee.

You were always the brave ambitious one, “Come on” you would say, “it will be a laugh. ” Your motto was “if you get hurt, you get hurt” if you fall off your horse, get back on it; you only live once. Might as well make the most of it! Me, well I was always the sensible one, “yes dad” you would say when I used to tell you to be careful! I was always warning you about dangers in life, what not to do and what to do! We were not identical twins and really had no likeness at all. We were like chalk and cheese. I was so envious of you, even though we were twins the genes were definitely not equalled out.

You seemed to have ambition, confidence and definitly the looks. You were tall, blond and blue eyed, definitely the Baker genes, where as I seemed to have inherited the Dickson genes. I was small, intelligent, sensible and always described as being weedy, Mum and Dad said we were both special in our own ways! However, my family nickname was runt! Where as you were strong, bold and confident, we would play games and you were always the leader. I was like a dull caterpillar; small, weak and vulnerable. Where as you were a butterfly; strong, noticeable and free.

Even at that young age it became obvious to me that you had everything I could have ever wanted! I remember playing in the back garden at the age of five. It was a beautiful summer’s day. There were flowers everywhere and the butterflies had gathered around the roses. As usual we were both playing, you were completely intrigued by the butterflies, showing off as usual, you were chasing them around the garden. I was slightly more cautious. Anything that moved tended to make me a little scared. Mum and Dad were sat by the pond, me by the sprinkler playing in the water. I found an earthworm.

It moved slowly and slid through the moist grass. It was brown and dull but interested me, as it seemed to have no legs! I scooped it up with hesitation. I ran over fast to mum and dad as it was tickling my hands and making me giggle and I did not want to hurt it, by dropping it. “Mum! ” “Dad! ” I shouted. “In a minute, love, Ben has just found an incredible butterly! ” My eyes welled up with tears. I placed the worm back in his squiggy soil and cried in my room alone! No one knew. No one was even interested about my whereabouts. I wanted some attention. Just a little.

However, Ben again had stolen the limelight. I realised that there was no room for me. I was not the son that they loved and adored. I was just a little boy they fed and clothed. Ben was special. William was just dull! As we grew older my envy progressed. You were the one picked for the rugby team, you were the one that all the girls and boys loved, even the teachers would say, “why can’t you be more like your brother”. Back then I was the reject, I had inherited all the weak genes, all the rubbish that was left over from you. You were known throughout the school as B. B. The heartthrob to all the girls.

Anyone would have been envious. When we were seventeen my envy took on a different aspect. I began to dislike you; my own brother! You were known in college as BB. You made rugby captain of the college team. When I could not even get on the team! I hated the fact that you were good at everything you tried. Being noticed for the smallest things you did. I was still just William; one of the brainy geeks. You even stole my only love. I then decided something was going to change. I was intelligent why not use it to my advantage. I was no longer going to be known as BB’s geeky brother.

I wanted to be noticed. Firstly I had to change my physical appearance. As the shaver tore through my auburn curls it felt like an escape from the reality of the constant rejection I had undertaken. I disliked it more than my parents did, but how else could I stand out against this god’s gift of a twin I had. The hard work option and sensible act had all been attempted but everyone had turned a blind eye. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Ben dearly but felt as though he had not only been given all the good genes and looks, but he had also stolen any attention, which was rightly mine.

I had grown bitter and twisted; I changed my music taste and purposely flunked my degree course in law. My parents could not believe it, but decided it was my choice and I should do what I like! They were so bloody liberal, I wanted them to scream and shout, but not so much as a whisper! My attention seeking had escalated, I needed to rebel. At the age of Twenty-Three I was living off the dole and dealing in illegal substances. The only thing that helped me escape from the reality of my miserable, pitiable, worthless life was to right poems, also the drugs helped. At this point I had lost all contact with my family, especially Ben.

He was now a city accountant at a firm in London with a wife (my teenage sweetheart) and a baby girl. And me; a city dosser. I hated him so much and resented my family for not helping me out when I needed them the most. All it had ever been was Ben, Ben, Ben!!. It was July the fourth as I remember. I had just pulled off this cracking deal with these guys and had got myself a lot of cash. I had become involved in hard drugs now that meant large sums of money! I was in financial ruin and would do anything to get out of it! What ever it would take, I would accept any offers that were available! I was a complete mess.

There I sat slouched on the sofa, in front the television. The walls were cold and damp, the room lacked light and the walls stood dressed in cracks and mould. My mind was fixated on the spider’s web that had been growing in the right corner. There in the web was a fly caught up in the sticky mess. He had flown into the trap with no escape from his future, young and vulnerable. He had made one wrong move and he would suffer the consequences for the rest of his life, or what he had left. The spider, on the other hand was strong and focused. He wanted to get his supper, and was willing to hurt anything by doing so.

The spider was calm and moved with a very smooth, collective style towards his victim. The spider was powerful, big, and confident whilst the fly was now not a creature but just another meal. The spider quickened his rhythm along the thin thread of success. Startled by a loud bang I jumped, then I heard a knock at the door. I was very cautious, as, if you had an unexpected knock at the door, trouble would only be expected to be stood on the other side of it. Now I was the fly stuck in my room and in a mess, on the other side of that door was my predator and I was the prey.

I walked slowly to the door, tucking a knife up my sleeve. I was now going to probably have my life ended. Slowly I unleashed each lock on the old brown door. My breath quickened and my body quivered. As I opened the door hastily there stood looking at me was not my murderer but a tall, well-built businessman. He was clean with a perfect posture and well dressed. It was Ben. He had come alone and looked as though he had something he wanted to tell me. He came in and sat down. He was so perfect! God I envied and hated him so much! There was awkwardness in the room. I had nothing I wanted to say to him.

The silence was deadly, the air motionless. I could see the sweat running down the side of his tanned cheek. He looked nervous. I had never seen him like this before, never weak and quiet, he was almost vulnerable. The silence grew and Ben appeared no longer strong and confident like he once was. He looked worried and unsettled, he seemed as though there was something he wanted to say. I sat with my eyes fixated on the web; the damn fly had gone but so had the spider. The spider had been there as long as I had, where had he gone? Then Ben rose from his chair and choked the words out of his mouth.

His eyes were welling up and tears trickled down his cheek ” William, I know that me and you have never really got along, but there is something I feel that you need to know”. Just at that point there was an unexpected knock at the door, braking Benjamin’s emotive speech. I was intrigued with what Ben was going to say but then the knock came again, this time it sounded a little more aggressive. I rose from my chair and slowly approached the door. I did not know who it would be. As I approached the door I noticed the several amounts of paint jobs this old, tortured, brown door possessed.

It was old, dirty and chipped, the dents from ragging tempers were embedded in it. The edge had swelled and was black from such damp, disgusting living conditions. There was no need to undo the locks as they were left from before and the door had been left slightly ajar. As I nudged open the door I felt the prickles on my neck go up, a cold breeze ran through my spine. As I looked up, I noticed that the two figures which stood in front of me were death. One was large and very muscular wearing a suit with dark sunglasses the other more slight wearing a tattoo on his wrist and carried a gun in his hand.

We are looking for WB. That was my code name in the area. “Yeah, that’s me ” I announced. He gave no reasons or justifications for what he did next. He just said he was going to end the life that my mother had started. All I can remember was a gunshot and a pain leaking into my lung, I collapsed onto the floor. My senses began to become faded; I could see and hear just about. My brother Ben had been a witness taking no time in recognising this fact; they swiftly set about their sorded business… Slaughtering his body in front of me. He was kicked repeatedly in the head by the larger man.

He was kicked and kicked until he no longer remained conscious. The blood bubbled out his mouth as he tried to breath and now it was blood trickling down his brown tanned cheek, his male-model physique was now broken limp on the floor. The cause was another man’s hatred for me. I remember the day I woke from the coma. Only half of me woke, the other half absent from my body. I did not have to ask; I had sensed it, Ben had gone. My mouth was dry. I found it hard to swallow the lump of guilt that had built up in my throat. My body weak and numbed by the pain of loss. The life of the wrong twin had been taken.

My body should have been burned not his. All this time I had envied him and even hated him. I had been seeking attention all my life, which had resulted in the death of my brother. My parents stood by the side of my bed; finally, I had attention. But now it hit me; the life of my twin was much more important than any type of attention. He was now gone, never to return, He was a father, husband, brother and a son and now was nothing but a memory! Due to my selfishness. Another year has passed. Another day has ended. The days have come and gone and I have found the answers I was looking for.

No pain is reduced, my heart still in pieces, now I lie here knowing why my brother died. I cannot deal with what has happened, you were taken from this earth, and the answer was there all along. It should have been me not you. I had destroyed my life due to selfish jealousy. I cannot replace a brother, son, father or husband, and for that I am truly sorry. Nevertheless, know this much: He will always be with you all, but for me, I have made terrible mistakes in my life and caused many heartache and pain. I will leave you all and join with my other half. One day I will see you again, but for now I feel, my brother needs me.