Catcher in the Rye Fairytale

Boy! This crumby forest filled with little girls in goddam red hoods. Who wears a red hood in the forest? No one, that’s who. I’m the wolf in this forest. No one ever comes through here except for some wild dogs or squirrels. Those squirrels just kill me! They jump at the slightest movement. I sometimes chase like I’m gonna eat them or something—to get a kick out of it. Not that I’d have done it. I’m too yellow. But if there’s one thing I hate, it’s those wild dogs, I swear. One time I saw some of them strolling all nonchalant with their phony fur, acting like they owned the place. I damn near socked them—damn near. Anyways, the reason I almost died was because of that little red riding hood. I saw her and we sort of struck up a conversation. I said good morning, even though I didn’t really care for that small talk crap, but if you want to stay alive, you have to stay that stuff. I was only too glad to talk to her because no one talks to me. Everyone thinks I’m some wicked beast, so I’m always lonely out here. It depresses me. So like I was telling you about this riding hood. Anyway, I was talking to little red riding hood, and she told me that she was taking some food and wine to her sick grandma.

I felt pretty hungry as soon as she said that. I hadn’t eaten in a long time, since yesterday, but it seemed like fifty years ago. I normally don’t eat humans, but her grandma just made my stomach grumble. I didn’t want to eat her grandma in front of her, so all of a sudden I thought of something that helped make me distract little red riding hood. I suddenly told her to pick some flowers for her grandma, and started running. I got to her grandma’s house and pretended to be little red riding hood, or else she wouldn’t let me in. That grandma sure tasted good, but I was still hungry. So what I did was pretend to be the grandma, so I could eat little red riding hood. The thought almost killed me! Two lunches in one day, boy! I dressed up as grandma, with her pink, frilly cap and gown, and little red riding hood came. She kept on saying how big my ears were and my eyes and hands and mouth. I know I have a big mouth and hands and eyes and ears. I’m a wolf for Chrissake! She wasn’t an intelligent person. She was downright stupid.

Anyway, I fell asleep because eating can get you really lousy. And if you think I wanted to go back those woods again after my yummy lunch, you’re crazy. I slept for what seemed like a thousand years, but when I was waking up, I felt funny. I still felt full, but not a good kind of full. I opened my eyes and the grandma, little red riding hood, and a hunter were staring down at me with a gun. There’s nothing more that scares the living hell out of you, than waking up to a gun in your face. I wanted to get the hell out of there, but I couldn’t walk right. I thought I was dying. I really did. I could hardly breathe, though. It was very depressing. I was even more depressed because I found out they had put rocks in my stomach. It took me damn near a long time to get them out. That day makes me feel so sad I go crazy. I swear to God I am.